Good Days & Bad Days

I have my good days and bad days....I have a lot to say and don't know if I will get it all out in this one sitting because I might start crying...most likely I will be rambling with whatever thoughts hit me at the time, with no particular order. So if things don't make sense, sorry.

I've written before that I am struggling, and still am.....I really don't know what my deal is...at this point I cannot decide if I've changed or if J's changed or if both of us have. I'm sure the changes we've encountered have a lot to do with j and I'm not quite sure how I feel about that. I get so pissed at my husband sometimes....there are days when I just don't think I'm important to him at all....the last couple of weeks have been good, then BAM I get pissed about something....and I can't shake it....it usually lasts about 2 days then I'm over it....but during that time, all I can think about is what he is or isn't doing. I really want to take this time and just complain about him, but I realize that won't do any good....I cannot change him, no matter how much I want to....a good friend of mine suggested I read a book...I think it's called "the five love languages" or something like that...I still haven't got the book, but I am certainly one step closer, as there is no way I can do another 50 years like this (yes, I'm going to live to at leat 83!). I get tired of taking most of the initiative in this relationship, but again, I know I can't change him....so I need to make a decision and follow through

A while back, I had made a comment about a 2nd child and J tells me that he's not sure if our marriage could survive another baby....at first I was very angry and stayed that way most of the day. By the time, nighttime came around I had decided that at least he cares about our marriage ....but now am really struggling because I don't know what I want...I do not want j to be an only child, but really don't know what would happen to "us" if another baby came around.....I can't figure out if I want another one or if I want another one because I don't want j to be an only child.....

Sometimes, I just don't feel like a very good mom....I get so impatient sometimes and it totally shows. I don't know how to remainn calm at times...sometimes I'm good at it, and sometimes I'm not. I love her dearly, but sometimes I get so irritated...then there's times when I step back and realize that she is almost 2 and she's doing the things she is supposed to do....how the hell did my mom make it with six kids....sure does make me want to apologize to her!!!!!!

Well, it's a couple days later and it's been a couple of good days....so hence the good and bad days....I don't think it should be like this...but am not sure what to do....ARG....

Thanks for listening...

BTW, it really does help to write it down and let it out....I need to do this more often.

Moving Foward

Things have improved the Alley house. Sometimes, I just struggle so much with everything that I have mentioned earlier. Me and J had a long talk which always makes thing better, but sometimes I wish it didn't have to get to that part, not that I don't like clearing the air, but we need to work of making it happen sooner.

We had a date Friday night which was wonderful. We took j to my sisters and we went out to dinner and watched Angels and Demons. The book was better...the book is always better, but it was nice to get away for a few hours and reconnect.....we tell ourselves we need to do that more often and time moves foward and we get busy and we lose sight of things. Maybe not this time.....maybe

'Nother Day

I'm really struggling here....I cannot decide if I'm being selfish, have too high of expectations, if it's horomones, or if it's not me at all....I don't know what my deal is lately....actually I know what part of it is....it's the whole appreciation thing. I WANT to know that I am....so here's the deal, I really cannot complain about what he doesn't do because he does do chores around the house and I do appreciate it and I tell him. I've read in those magazines that they want to be appreciated so I try to do my best to say "thank you" for different things. But I also want the same thing in return and I don't see that I get it....like I've said before he's not much of a verbal kind of guy, but I wouldn't think that "thank you" would be very hard to say. That's why I've tried to focus on my grateful list, but I've done a shit job with that too. I dunno, maybe my expectations are too high. I can't help but think it's not entirely me.....we've had these discussions before and it usually goes back to the same. So I get mad when I don't feel appreciated, then I just ignore him, and that usually makes things worse. I wish I knew the secrets to making a great marriage...and I really hate to say this, but things have changed since j was born and I knew they would, but not quite like this.....he's a really good dad, but sometimes I feel like he's forgotten about me...again, why I've tried to pay attention to those things to be grateful for and what he does through his actions....again not doing a good job with that.....I really do love him very much......I really wish I could get past this

Thanks for listening....

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all!

Ok, I'm going to focus on the actions.

1. Breakfast of biscuits and gravy
2. Mother's Day Card he bought that is recordable and hearing j say "love you" in the card
3. Flowers that I was not expecting at all
4. Puts the sheets on the bed and makes it without me

On another note, we went to my mom's tonight and there was a burrow in the front yard with 5 adorable baby bunnies in it! I couldn't believe it. j loved them and wanted to "hold it" with all of them.

Have a great night

So much to say

Where to begin....well last weekend we had our garage sale. Several people from work joined in so it was pretty big....I would say it was successful.....with our money, we put it toward lawn care and a new grill. We still have bushes to buy and plant (which I am not looking forward to, I hate yard work), but it will all be worth it in the end. We are SLOWLY improving the look outside....nothing too drastic, just needed some lovin'

Yesterday, I had the pleasure of shopping ALL BY MYSELF. I took j to my mom's and spent the day in St. Joe. It was great and I loved every minute of it. I bought myself a couple pair of sandals and a couple shirts....I really just enjoyed not being rushed and enjoying the day.

So, I have more to say....I've really been struggling lately with my life....the challenges that have come along with being a wife and mom are certainly not what I expected. I can get so mad at myself sometimes for being impatient with J and j. I really don't know how to explain what I have been feeling the last month or so....there are have so many ups and downs....I don't know why I just can't let some things go.....J says to lower my expectations and it will be easier....I'm sure he's right to some extent, and there are things I just need to "let go." I think the hardest part is not feeling like I am appreciated....I know J loves me and shows me in his own way, but I really wish I could hear those words, like "your a good mom" or "thanks for doing that, I appreciate it." It really does bother me, and we've talked about it before, and it doesn't change....he's just not a verbal person like that. So lately, I've been trying to focus on the non-verbal messages that he gives me. And I know that actions speak louder than words. I've read in magazines that a mom has to take care of herself and take time for herself, and put herself first because no one else will. It simply amazes me how much a mom is worth. I never could have imagined. OK, thanks for letting me say what I needed to say.....

Just an update

I was rather surprised when I was checking out my blog that I had a new follower. Needless to say, I was very excited about that. I feel like I've evolved! Anyway, thank you Tracey for thinking that I am interesting enough to follow.

Life really hasn't been any busier than before, I've just been lazy and haven't wanted to spend the time on the computer other than to check my email and facebook. I guess I have been keeping a little busier on weekdays, as I have decided to join the community center. I have been going to Zumba classes 2 days a week and walking two other days. I'm actually a little bit bummed that the girl who teaches the class is going home for the summer so I will have to wait until this fall to continue. There are only 2 classes left, and even though I don't like exercise, it is much better since several of my co-workers also go to the class. We really do have a good time there. I'm hoping to go to water aerobics this summer. I've never done those before so that should be interesting. I am trying new forms of exercise since I just don't like it, and if it doesn't feel like exercise, I'll do much better.....it's like tricking myself!

A few weeks ago, I had a blast from the past....I went to Molly's! Those same co-workers and I decided to go out on a Friday night....and the bonus was it was $5 all you could drink! Wow, remember those days in college. I really did have a good time. Even got out on the dance floor a few times. But I was ready to come home by 11.....

I have also been busy getting things together for our garage sale that we are going to have this weekend. We really don't have a whole lot of stuff, so a couple other people are joinin me in this adventure....I am just hoping to make enough money to pay for things for the lawn and landscaping. And to get rid of some stuff.....we have finally decided to pull out the bushes that are dying and plant some new bushes and flowers.

j has started her new day care and I think she really likes it....she gets to go outside everyday, which I am grateful for, as J and I aren't really outdoorsy kind of people, so she gets a ton of outside time there. Of course she comes home very dirty, but she LOVES it. She continues to have tons of energy....where do kids get it??? She is really starting to repeat things she hears, which is quite the treat at times. Oh, speaking of day care, she did learn something there I am not happy about....."shut up." I know she was only repeating what she heard, but she said, "mommy, shut up" the other night in the car going to Wal-Mart. I have to admit, it was cute and funny and she really didn't understand what she said. With that being said, I am not looking forward to the other things she is going to bring home from daycare....oh well, not much I can do about it!

A new kind of sticker

So j has really been into stickers lately....she likes to put them on her shirt. She has discovered a new kind of sticker and everytime she goes into our bathroom she wants to get a sticker and put it on her shirt!