Good Days & Bad Days

I have my good days and bad days....I have a lot to say and don't know if I will get it all out in this one sitting because I might start crying...most likely I will be rambling with whatever thoughts hit me at the time, with no particular order. So if things don't make sense, sorry.

I've written before that I am struggling, and still am.....I really don't know what my deal is...at this point I cannot decide if I've changed or if J's changed or if both of us have. I'm sure the changes we've encountered have a lot to do with j and I'm not quite sure how I feel about that. I get so pissed at my husband sometimes....there are days when I just don't think I'm important to him at all....the last couple of weeks have been good, then BAM I get pissed about something....and I can't shake it....it usually lasts about 2 days then I'm over it....but during that time, all I can think about is what he is or isn't doing. I really want to take this time and just complain about him, but I realize that won't do any good....I cannot change him, no matter how much I want to....a good friend of mine suggested I read a book...I think it's called "the five love languages" or something like that...I still haven't got the book, but I am certainly one step closer, as there is no way I can do another 50 years like this (yes, I'm going to live to at leat 83!). I get tired of taking most of the initiative in this relationship, but again, I know I can't change him....so I need to make a decision and follow through

A while back, I had made a comment about a 2nd child and J tells me that he's not sure if our marriage could survive another baby....at first I was very angry and stayed that way most of the day. By the time, nighttime came around I had decided that at least he cares about our marriage ....but now am really struggling because I don't know what I want...I do not want j to be an only child, but really don't know what would happen to "us" if another baby came around.....I can't figure out if I want another one or if I want another one because I don't want j to be an only child.....

Sometimes, I just don't feel like a very good mom....I get so impatient sometimes and it totally shows. I don't know how to remainn calm at times...sometimes I'm good at it, and sometimes I'm not. I love her dearly, but sometimes I get so irritated...then there's times when I step back and realize that she is almost 2 and she's doing the things she is supposed to do....how the hell did my mom make it with six kids....sure does make me want to apologize to her!!!!!!

Well, it's a couple days later and it's been a couple of good days....so hence the good and bad days....I don't think it should be like this...but am not sure what to do....ARG....

Thanks for listening...

BTW, it really does help to write it down and let it out....I need to do this more often.